i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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