I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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