I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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