Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
