So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
