I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
