I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
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i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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