I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
