...so i touched it.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
