he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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