he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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