life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
