i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
