I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
