he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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