the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
