Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
