All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
