Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
a search helicopter?!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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