i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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