this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
