everyone is single if you try hard enough
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
