My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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