i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
