She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
