I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
