i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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