we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
