I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
