i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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