your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
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However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
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I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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