so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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