I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
