I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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