Umm I'm too high to move.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
