you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
