I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
