Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
