Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
