I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You pole danced in your parka.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
