I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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