Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
