just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
