im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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