Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
smell my finger.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
