I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
