Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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