I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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