I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
