Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
True college students do jello shots in the library
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