I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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