i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
two words...techno handjob
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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