I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
