Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
