i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
