So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
