I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
